Hard Times.

I'm falling so deep in to depression.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I have a boyfriend whom i don't trust, no job, and no money.

I take medicines to stabilize my mood, and no energy to do anything productive.

I need help.
My poor mother has done all she possibly can.
Now, it's up to me.
And I just don't know how to handle it myself.

I have always hoped for so much more from myself.
Now look at me.
Doing nothing with my life and being a disgrace to my family.

I never want my family to think anything but the best of me.
And right now, I'm not really giving them a very good reason to think the best of me.

The obvious thing to do is to get a job and get my life on track.
But with this economy, finding a job is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Also, I should dump my untrustworthy boyfriend and start fresh.
But we've been together for six months, and in that time, he's become a part of me.
He is my life and my comfort zone.
Everything I do revolves around him.
I know it's unhealthy, but that's how I am.
That's how I always am when I have a boyfriend.

Another thing is that I have overwhelming doctor bills, and no money to pay them.

I have rent to pay to my parents and in November I have to go on my own phone plan.
What am I going to do?

I feel helpless. Not to mention, hopeless.
I'm tired of calling the same friends and crying to them about the same old problems.

I need a change.

I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to make the change on my own...

* I deserve better then this.

From Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll - to Reality.

So I no longer live with my boyfriend. After causing quite an uproar in his household, I packed my things and moved back home with my parents. It's not so bad because I have the garage apartment all to myself. And for right now, I'm living here for free. You can't beat that.

Lately, I've been giving a lot of time thinking about my future. What I want to be, what makes more money but will still keep me interested, where I want to live, things like that. I think I've finally made a decision.

I'm going to find a job for the time being so that I can save up enough money to go VoTech and take cosmotology classes. I'll continue to work until I finish my classes. Then, when I'm finished with the classes, I'll find a booth to rent.

It seems like a pretty stable path to me.
Here's hoping.

That's all I've got for now.

*My house has been staying cleaner than I've ever seen it.

Come and Get it!

Currently I am living with my boyfriend, his dad, his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and their two kids.
Being nineteen and practically a house-wife is a pain.
But I love him and it's good practice.

So now I'm making a grocery list.
Sadly I'm new at this so I have no idea what I'm doing.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

What's a good, cheap meal for a family of seven?
(Easy to reheat, by the way, since the whole family is hardly ever here all at once.)

So far, since I've been the one making dinners, I've made:
-Pork chops w/ shake 'n bake, scalloped potatoes, and green beans.
-Shepherd's Pie, and biscuits.
-Hot dogs, shells and cheese, corn, and steak fries.

Also, some small meals here and there for lunch and stuff.

Other ideas?!

It's been a long time.

I thrive to be the girl he dreams of.
Why?

For some time I've thought that I needed someone.
But I'm beginning to realize that I don't need anyone else.
I need me.
I need my own motivation and my own skills.

When I was little, adults puts ideas and possibilities in my head that I could be whatever I wanted to be.
Along the road of adulthood, I've been sidetracked and lost my vision and goals.

I wanted to be a singer.
I have a beautiful voice that I've taken for granted.I
smoke and never sing.
I wanted to be a Personal Representative.
I let boys and a social life come between that dream and myself.
Now, I want to be an event/wedding planner.
I would be insanely stupid to let this dream slip through my fingers.

I need to get on track and go to school.
I need business classes and other studies that will help me achieve this goal.
I need to find a job or internship to ready me for the challenges that my career will present.
I want to be independent and make my own money.
I never want to have to rely on anyone but myself for the things that I need.
I want to pay off my debts and begin my life as a real live adult.

Life is full of wants and needs and it's up to me to make it all happen.

* i wish i had a cell phone that wasn't a POS.

Sweet Revenge

So that jerk got his. I knew it was coming for him.
He got caught. Mwahahahah. I'm happy.
I'm a little confused on how to feel about Nicole though.
She's sad. I don't understand it at all.
How can you like someone who is so mean to, not only you, but your friends too?
I don't know. Maybe I haven't had enough experience in that department of adolescence.
But it all seems clear as day to me. Chicks before Dicks. Hello!?

But anyway..
I've found two books that need to be read.. wait, I think I already wrote about this...
Jayne Eyre and Wuthering Heights? Did I? I can't remember. Oh well.
I'm writing about it again. My goal is to have them both read by the end of December.
And at the rate I've been reading.. it could quite possibly take that long.
I haven't had a single second to read. And if I had one, I used it on the computer like a loser.

I ordered 2 diet things online today. I'm stupid.
They're both free trials though. I only had to pay shipping and handling. :)
I got this Acai Berry stuff for energy and metabolism boosts.
And Total Cleanse for well... my colon? That's embarrassing.
I shouldn't put that on here. Ahaha. Whatever.

I'm totally putting off cleaning my house.
Here I am. Sitting in my parents' house.
It's clean here. And quiet. But it's very cold.
I will clean my house today. Maybe tonight.
But it WILL WILL WILL get done.
I promised myself.

So anyway....
I work tonight and I'm sure I close. They hate me like that.
I work Saturday night too and then have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to open. (5am. wtf?)









*I need to replace my missing hubcap.

Break-ups hurt

How do you "break up" with a friend?
Maybe "break up" is the wrong phrase...

I don't want to be put in uncomfortable situations anymore.
For the record: Josh Caddell is a horrible person.
And I'm dead serious.
Anyone who can steal from an ex-girlfriend and be okay with themselves -- bad.

I told Nicole that I would not be back to her house until he was gone.
And I mean it. This time.
I want to hang out with her.
She's one of my best friends.
But I honestly don't think that I should have to be put through that kind of torment just to be friends with someone.
I know she's a good friend, and I know she loves me.
But she should care enough about me to choose.
I hate making her choose, but it really seems like the only way to keep our friendship at this point.
I can't make her choose between me and her sister, but I can make her choose between me and Josh.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this.
I guess I'm just venting.
And now I'm done. For now..



*I'm supposed to be getting ready for work.

Finally Home

We got home around 8:30pm today.
I can't believe we were gone so long!!


I missed my babies terribly.
Penelope is the striped one and Gucci is the white one.
I also have Booter, but I don't have a picture of him on my computer.
That will have to wait for a later time because I am far too lazy for all of that tonight... this morning.

The biggest problem with traveling all day is that I sleep the whole way while my parents drive.
This means, I'm awake forever during the night.
Seriously, it's like 4am and I'm still awake because I can't sleep.

As soon as I got home I unpacked my crap and threw it on the couch.
I kissed my babies and gave them each special attention to make sure noone felt neglected. :)
I'm such a good mommy.
Then I hauled ass to Mint Springs to see Nicole.

I had a horrible time at Nicole's house and I will not be returning until she gets rid of them asshole who lives with her.
He's a good-for-nothing cheating, abusive, liar. I really really hate him.
He steals from his ex-girlfriend. Right out of her bank account!!
Not only that, but tonight when I asked him why he didn't like me,
he said he thought I was obnoxious and I just erk him.
Excuse me?!?! Everybody loves me. There must be something wrong with him. Haha.
No really. There must be.

Ohhh how I wish I had people to actually read my blog.
Then I could get feedback about what to do about this douchebag.


* I need to find a good book to read..